i'm really upset by this one person. it makes all hopes go away and just make me concentrate on one thing. but i think its dying so thats a good news ... all my feelings are negative towards the person now....but it can't be good for me since i'll be seeing the person pretty often. may be not if we move...then it will be good.

it my mistake for thinking of them as my friends...we can hang out ... but that is about it...can't really be any more closer.

i had the weirdest and most real dream today...it was really scary...it was, i think, nath and his girlfriend, dave and i were in ukai...going to the same apartment building where we lived...on of our upstairs' neighbor was having a pooja...and so they had invited like a ton of people...some of the kids were playing upstairs on the roof. roof is really dangerous...that what i heard growing up...

but these kids were hanging off of the wall...so nath and i did the same...we were fine...but when nath came back up he stood up on the wall of the rails...he lost his balance and fell from the 3 story apartment complex...that was really really scary. his girlfriend had gone to a store to get some things. i kept hanging on the wall for a while...and people gathered below...i was so scared...just didn't move...when i saw his girlfriend arrive and his parents were there too for some reason...and i saw dave...then is when i went down.

i was really really shocked...to see him lying down there...but the doctor was there...he said that he has his last few moments...and then nath got up and asked everyone to look away and not listen while he talked to his g.f. and then his mom and then his dad...and then me. he just looked at me and smiled.

then he started showing all these tricks...like a magician...he didn't look like nath anymore...he had nice muscular body...and he looked healthy...then i asked him this weird question...if all these tricks are just our illusion then is death same thing ? or isn't death an illusion too? something like that? then he put a glass, that he had in his hand, and sucked it on my temple of my head and it started hearting a little bit...he was about to explain it to me the death and illusion...but i got up...it was so real...and scary...and weird...and late in the morning.

i hope nothing happens to any of my friends. but my question was really interesting...if everything we see around us is our illusion then is death too an illusion?

My weekend was pretty good. went hiking for like almost 3 hours about 10 miles. Saw really beautiful creeks, meadows, snow mountains, a lake and even a waterfall...it was really nice.

dropped chris off at the airport around 12:40 and went to school to meet the people. and katrina and her room mate were late...i wanted to leave by 1 but we didn't leave till like 1:20 or so. it was fine, i guess .

katrina and dave finally hooked up on the walk. dave never walks alone with me...he usually stays with nathen...but it didn't take him long to just keep walking with katrina...they kept walking ahead and talking...didn't even care about nathen, heather and i....but we finally caught up . and walked together. well not really...karen, monica and katrina's roommate kept walking ahead almost for the whole walk...

i went to the bathroom when we arrived at the base...and didn't have water or anything...karen offered her wet naps...that was good.

then in the car...i was talking to people...it was fun. but i might have rambled too much about my unbeautiful complex and me not liking my coworkers and stuff...some negative stuff that i feel i shouldn't talk about. i think they probably don't care...i hope.

then we went to the thai restaurant...ordered red curry...but had just a little bit...i was first going to share it with dave but decided that he might be hungry and so ordered seperately...i ended up taking almost the whole thing with me. it was fun still...i was happy to be in his company.

then dropped them off...dave kept trying to delegate me on driving directions...i didn't listen to him...i'm not sure why he thinks i don't know how the directions ... is it because i'm from india or is it because i'm a girl? it gets kind of annoying.

then went home took a shower and ran to phaidra's home for the spa party...we waited like an hour for a few more girls to arrive...then we got to try some stuff on our face and hands...and on the eyes...it was nice...and relaxing. i kept eating the junk food. no self control again.

then we watched jo jeeta wohi sikandar...it was good to watch it again...went home like at midnight. then went online and talked with dave. it seemed he had a lot of fun with katrina in the dance party. but he still didn't know if she really liked him...but he does...and then we had this weird conversation about a crush and love and stuff. which really made me upset on sunday morning...i kept crying that people know about it....and i talked with chris and it made me feel better. its amazing how much you feel better when you talk to somebody.

i got my laundry put away sunday and all the winter clothes are gone and summer clothes are out. that was the most important thing i did...and then just stayed in the bed for the longest time...it was a lot of fun...loved staying in the bed.

then went home and cooked enchilada's for mom...which didn't turn out too good...bit too dry and got stuck with the aluminium foil...and i had invited scarlit to come and eat...fortunately she already had food so she didn't eat much...but still it looked bad...but yeah then heard of her story...sounds really frustrating and depressing...why does this happen to her again? she is so true to her relationships and then why?

then watched sa re ga ma pa and indian idol for like 2 hrs...it was fun...i liked indian idol more ...its fun to watch the selections and the drama that goes on. yeah and then talked to chris and wished him luck and went to bed.

its funny, the other day this girl was asking me if jealousy is bad or good? that was a funny question ... so innocent. and at that time i was wondering why she is jealous of other girls...that her boyfriend talks to. its good to be open minded and such.

i woke up with the jealous feeling...it really puts me in bad mood. may be it is not just that...may be it is the mean words my coworker told me yesterday. that is what came to my mind this morning...but yeah...i have a lot of negative energy in me right now. i wanna just be able to go in good mood...and i'm not sure how to do that.

i know i'm not supposed to like anyone...but i do...and get jealous and angry for not getting the same response back. this is so weird ... self control is the key...which i do not seem to have...but i must work on it. don't know where to start though? trying to divert my thoughts...would that work? lets see.

i'm feeling really weird today. the feelings in my heart are about to overflow. is it because of the blue moon tonight? who knows.

its funny how things are easy to talk about than actally applying them in your life.